I'm going to save the update that is 3 weeks overdue for another day though, perhaps tomorrow since I don't have to proctor any exams. But I would like to highlight a couple thoughts.
1) In case you haven't heard, I am not returning to Belize next year. I was truly on the fence about it really up until a few weeks ago. I didn't have any big moment of clarity or anything, so it was still a really hard and somewhat scary decision to make. I think I just realized that my reasons for wanting to stay weren't enough to sustain me for another year. All my favorite people could be here next year, I could see all my students again, I would get a pay raise ($60 Belize. Big bucks you know), all these different things. I realized though that any motivation to stay was originating from me. You can't have yourself at the center of mission work because you will burn out. And it didn't make any sense to me to intentionally put myself in a situation where yes, I would grow for sure, but it would also wear me down and that would inhibit my ability to serve. And if I can't serve, then why am I here?
2) No, I haven't figured out what I'm doing next year.
3) I return to the States exactly one week from today. And I am completely conflicted with how I feel. When I'm killing ants and mosquitoes and sweating to death, I'm really really excited to go back. But when I'm sitting with my students (you know, the ones I like :) ) or hanging out with the volunteers or talking to the teachers I've gotten to know, it's very hard to accept the reality that I'm leaving. This was my home for a year, you know? And the volunteers are my family, the teachers are my friends, and the students, those pesky, wonderful, ridiculous students are my kids. It's going to be rough leaving them, especially since some of them still beg me to change my mind and come back. It's really funny looking back and thinking about how different everything was when it was the perspective of only being here one week. Everything was still so abstract, school hadn't even started, my schedule is nothing like it was, and I very much had the girl-in-the-big-city feeling of "wow this is all so cool!" Which is a hilarious approach since Benque is nothing close to a big city. Now it's just Benque, it's just home. It's not much, but it's mine. But I know that even that isn't true because in week, I'm turning it back over and giving it to an entirely new group of volunteers. And that's how it should be. We give until it's not our turn anymore. And then we go somewhere else to do it all again.
In other news, I'll be in Lourdes in less than 2 weeks! I can't be more pumped! I'm also unbelievably grateful for everyone who has given both financially and spiritually. We have a video meeting tonight to discuss more details of what we'll be doing for the Special Needs Pilgrimage, so I've been way excited all day. Ok well like I said, more of an update to come later. In the meantime, pray for the kids and their remaining finals please.
St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.
Totus Tuus, Maria.
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