Dos and Don'ts

Well, that was it.

This time last year, I had a plane ticket booked and could answer that incredibly annoying question of "So what are you going to do now?" I had a school of students waiting for me, a home I had yet to step into, and a group of people who were doomed to become family whether we liked it or not. And now, after one long year, I find myself on the other side and looking at the two way street that is mission work. How much I gave and was given. How much I taught and was taught. How much I loved and was loved. This works with the not so warm and fuzzy things as well for we do in fact reap what we sow. I guess that way there are no surprises. 

I'm not quite sure what I intend to say in this. Maybe it should be some kind of reflection? Some sage words to the world about the fulfillment in expending yourself day after day for the salvation of souls or some other lofty phrase one might find in scripty print on a picture of majestic mountains? No, if I've learned one thing, it's simplicity. There isn't much more to say than what I've already written in these past 10 months though perhaps there is room for explanation, and I'm sure in time it will come. Until it does though, I have to start simply, at the start line. There is no jumping the gun in unpacking everything you've learned serving as a teacher. I'm sure every teacher could agree with me on that as could every missionary. So my starting line is making a list. Now this should be no surprise to anyone reading this because thanks to a strong upbringing of having lists all around the house, the gene started to present itself in college and has run rampant ever since. Just yesterday I went to go make a list to supplement my other list and I almost freaked out because I couldn't find any sticky notes! But I digress.

This is a list of dos and don'ts and I'm sure it is far from complete. But rather than what to do or what not to do, it is what I don't miss and what I do miss about Belize.

Don'ts
1) The nasty dogs that never stop barking
2) The sandflies that seem to bite me because I'm allergic to them
3) Not understanding my students when they talk amongst themselves
4) Cold showers in the rainy season
5) The tarantulas
6) The scarcity of chocolate. And cheese. And wine. Ok seriously, how did I survive?
7) A culture that tells my boys they are only men when they degrade women and themselves for the sake of a selfish and childish pleasure
8) A culture that tells my girls they need to sell themselves in order to be loved
9) Finding rest (both physical and mental) hard to attain because of a constant demand to do something

Dos
1) The volunteers. Even sitting here thinking about only a fraction of the ridiculous things we did and experienced, I'm ready to cry with a joyful pain because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to them. They are my family. But unlike any time we say goodbye to our real (i.e. biological) family, there is an inescapable finality and uncertainty about our goodbyes. The Benque that was home to us will never be just ours again. And as difficult a pill as that is to swallow, I think it's harder accepting that that's how it should be.
2) The students. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Those are my kids. Even some I didn't teach have managed to find their own little spot in my heart. It's probably safe to say that a teacher never forgets their first school/set of students and that's even more true at Mt. Carmel. You invest so much of yourself in them both in school and outside of it. It's why you're there. Anyone can come teach a curriculum (now, before any teachers get up in arms about this, I never said anyone can teach it well), but the job of a missionary, the point of a volunteer is to form relationships, to show them that there is a fullness in life and it can be theirs too even with all the problems they're forced to deal with. It's hard to feel like you've done enough in one year. It doesn't help to have students begging you to stay up until the day you leave. And I know, I know, it's all about trusting and planting seeds and all the rest. I know that. It doesn't make me miss them any less.
3) Living across from the Church. That's convenience you just can't beat.
4) Sitting up on the edge of our balcony. It faces the Church and was one of the few places I was guaranteed to find peace.
5) Spanish songs. Well, some of them. I've had my favorites stuck in my head since Wednesday.
6) Salbutes. Delicious salbutes.
7) Walking everywhere. Even if I do walk absurdly fast most of the time, you still take in a lot more than when driving.
8) Cheese dip.
9) The teachers I became friends with. There are some really great people I worked with this year and it really sucked saying bye to people who just became your friend.

I don't even know what else there is. It's clearly a lie to say I miss everything about Benque and even Belize as a whole. But what I do miss is almost past articulation (ok, maybe my feelings for cheese dip don't run that deep. But salbutes, yes). This has always been the worst part of doing wonderful things with wonderful people: there is a time when we must keep moving forward. However, it's more than just moving forward, it's moving towards. Towards what? I have no idea. But when we remember that, we are able to deal with the missing of people and places and move on to perhaps that most beautiful gift: gratitude.

Please say a prayer for all of my students and for all of us volunteers as we readjust to life in the States and without each other. Also, I will be in Lourdes these next 3 weeks, so please keep me and all the pilgrims and volunteers in your prayers. Thank you so much!

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.

In the Meantime

Hey look I didn't lie to you! This will now be my attempted update. Let' see, what's been going on in these last 3 weeks...

Well on the 17th, Katie, Jen, Joe, Michael, Eric, and Jack ran an unofficial half marathon. The full title I believe is something like The First Annual Jack White Memorial International Official Unoffical Trotting for Turtles Half Marathon. Even if some of the title is made up, the length and ridiculousness is not. But wait, I have a poster to prove the title.

 There it is: First Annual Jack White Memorial Belize International Trotting for Turtles Half Marathon. We even have t shirts! Anyway, they woke up absurdly early to start (Katie and Jen started at 4:30, the boys at 5:15 ish I think?), but Monica, Elisabeth and I also woke up early (5:20) to be support crew. We borrowed one of the parish cars and drove to the half way point armed with water, hard candies, and posters. What's funny is that the 3 of us were actually very awake and super into cheering. When we got back to Benque, we even set up a finish line on the street by the Church. They were all absolutely disgusting when they finished, but super proud of themselves, as were we. Definitely a proud mom moment.

There they are! All sweaty and gross, but all done! After they cleaned up, we had Mass and breakfast as per our usual Saturday morning. 

Other things that have been happening: Yuri, one of our friends and the teacher who sits across from me, has been trying to be better about drinking a lot of water since she was starting to have dehydration problems. Joe came up with the idea of having a friendly water drinking competition between the 3 of us since he's never hydrated either. I just love drinking water. So let's just make sure we're all clear: this was Joe's idea. So we kept a sticky note on our desk that had columns we could add tallies to throughout the week. Let's take a look.

If you look closely, you'll notice that I won every week. I also had the least variance in my numbers. This is due to the fact that I always drink this much water and everyone else was still in the amateurs. I made Joe indicate I was the winner for the first 3 weeks, but he's not very good at losing so he would just glare at me the last two weeks when I asked him to do it. And the best part was that it was all a breeze for me while Joe was struggling every week to keep up. But mission accomplished, we kept Yuri hydrated. And Joe lost.

 Today we had a little party with my homeroom at lunch time which of course included cheese dip, coke, and cake, but the real treat was the pizza. From Pizza Hut. It's times like these where I'm so very grateful for my Guatemalan students. It was loud and chaotic and wonderful. They're all nuts, but I'm going to miss them a lot. 

And now we only have one more day left in the school year, and it's even a cheated day. We only Mass and one more final (mine of course, because who doesn't love to have grading at the very end of the school year?). I imagine as people finish their final, the flood for yearbook signing and picture taking will continue. That's been another funny experience. Yearbook signing. As a teacher! There has only been one person to ask me to sign whose name I didn't know, so my record is pretty good. Then this weekend is all our graduation festivities, just to add to the craziness of this week. See, we have about a million visitors and more are coming tomorrow. It is a bit overwhelming since 1) our group is all introverts and 2) even though it's good to see them again, you can't help but wish it was just your little family from this year. Luckily they all understand that and so I think the last couple nights last week won't have any house guests. Or something like that. We've just had people coming in and out since this weekend, so I can't keep track of who is staying where. But none of us can believe we all leave in less than a week! It's such a mix of emotions. We're all happy to go home, but we don't want to leave each other, but this only means we're guaranteed hang out time! Ok well I'm going to stop thinking about Wednesday, pack up my stuff, and get out of here!

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.

One Week - Reprise

Once again, I'm issuing another apology for being incredibly absent from this thing. Sometimes there are just more important things than writing about my life.

I'm going to save the update that is 3 weeks overdue for another day though, perhaps tomorrow since I don't have to proctor any exams. But I would like to highlight a couple thoughts.

1) In case you haven't heard, I am not returning to Belize next year. I was truly on the fence about it really up until a few weeks ago. I didn't have any big moment of clarity or anything, so it was still a really hard and somewhat scary decision to make. I think I just realized that my reasons for wanting to stay weren't enough to sustain me for another year. All my favorite people could be here next year, I could see all my students again, I would get a pay raise ($60 Belize. Big bucks you know), all these different things. I realized though that any motivation to stay was originating from me. You can't have yourself at the center of mission work because you will burn out. And it didn't make any sense to me to intentionally put myself in a situation where yes, I would grow for sure, but it would also wear me down and that would inhibit my ability to serve. And if I can't serve, then why am I here?

2) No, I haven't figured out what I'm doing next year. 

3) I return to the States exactly one week from today. And I am completely conflicted with how I feel. When I'm killing ants and mosquitoes and sweating to death, I'm really really excited to go back. But when I'm sitting with my students (you know, the ones I like :) ) or hanging out with the volunteers or talking to the teachers I've gotten to know, it's very hard to accept the reality that I'm leaving. This was my home for a year, you know? And the volunteers are my family, the teachers are my friends, and the students, those pesky, wonderful, ridiculous students are my kids. It's going to be rough leaving them, especially since some of them still beg me to change my mind and come back. It's really funny looking back and thinking about how different everything was when it was the perspective of only being here one week. Everything was still so abstract, school hadn't even started, my schedule is nothing like it was, and I very much had the girl-in-the-big-city feeling of "wow this is all so cool!" Which is a hilarious approach since Benque is nothing close to a big city. Now it's just Benque, it's just home. It's not much, but it's mine. But I know that even that isn't true because in week, I'm turning it back over and giving it to an entirely new group of volunteers. And that's how it should be. We give until it's not our turn anymore. And then we go somewhere else to do it all again.

In other news, I'll be in Lourdes in less than 2 weeks! I can't be more pumped! I'm also unbelievably grateful for everyone who has given both financially and spiritually. We have a video meeting tonight to discuss more details of what we'll be doing for the Special Needs Pilgrimage, so I've been way excited all day. Ok well like I said, more of an update to come later. In the meantime, pray for the kids and their remaining finals please.

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.