Really Honest/Honest Reality

I'm so very clever, aren't I?

Truly though, sometimes I look back at my blog posts to see what I've talked about and what I haven't and while I certainly have never lied to you, dear faithful reader, I see some places that may lead you to believe in a rather idyllic lifestyle that I have here. And I am nothing else if not a realist, so I do hope to just be honest. 

Life here fluctuates. It rains for 3 days, sunny for 2. It's freezing in the mornings, then you're sweating by 10 am. I feel an overwhelming peacefulness and contentedness, and one class later can be cast into a deep pit of emotional turmoil and despair at the thought of having 6 more months. These are just facts. Nobody signs up for missionary life because it's fun. People do fun things "just because", things like a pickup game of soccer, embarking on a baking adventure with a new recipe. But you don't put your "real life" on hold and make your entire existence about other people as answer to the question, "Why not?" That's how people burn out. That's how they get hardened towards an experience, failing to recognize that they didn't actually experience it at all because their whole approach was completely skewed. 

So now if you're a critical thinker and if I'm anything in the vicinity of a compelling writer, you must ask the question, "So why are you doing it?"

Can I be honest with you?

I don't know.

The answer changes just like the normal (read: chaotic) flow of life here. Sometimes the answer is easy: these kids need someone who cares about them, there's so much growing I need to do as a person, I want to experience a different culture, etc. And then there are the days when I come up dry for answers and then wonder did I completely misinterpret how I was supposed to spend a year of my life. All the while just trying to do my best where I am. One of my very best friends put it best when describing her life: "I'm just a little leaf." It's true, no? I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but most days I can say with certainty that it's right and on the days I'm not sure, I have the good ones to reassure me. It's the great part about not being 100% self-motivated (NB: I don't mean that I'm unmotivated without external stimuli, but rather my interests are not self-interested).

Ok. So what do I do in the meantime? You live your life. Put one foot in front of the other. Today at lunch, I was on campus patrol on the upstairs balcony talking to one of my students and I said, "You know, I really like being up high because it really gives you the perspective that no matter what, you're going to be ok, the world will keep on turning."

It's true, no? 

I find myself very often telling my students that their lives are bigger than fill-in-the-blank-with-their-problem. But how quickly I forget to tell myself! I'm constantly justifying it with things like, well I'm an adult (no, I'm not), I have real problems (no, I don't), therefore I can wallow in whatever is getting me down on that particular day.

WRONG

Get over it. Stand up, brush yourself off, learn from it, and move forward. Don't ignore and suppress, but as Rafiki says to Simba, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it." Not too bad for a primate. And it works for anything, not just the past. Another more pithy way of saying this comes from the classic life lesson sitcom Boy Meets World: "Life's tough; get a helmet."

I suppose this is more of a motivate Melissa type post and you just happen to be exposed to the inner workings of my mind. My condolences. We're a couple weeks into this new semester and you know what I've deduced? It's time to get off my butt. As I was writing this, Monica shared a most quotable summary of her day: "I carped this diem up one side and down the other." Every day should end with that being a true statement.

Please keep sending prayers our way. The length of the semester is feeling a little daunting to students and teachers alike. Ok well I'm literally being demanded to get this post up (yep, I'm calling you out, Kelley!), so I suppose I will. 

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.

Kelley, Cake, and Kender

Ok the title only pertains to last Friday. But we'll get there.

The week wasn't too eventful before then as per usual except for just soaking up time with Kelley before she left on Saturday. Wednesday we went for a little treat though. We walked to Succotz to go to Benny's which is the place to go if you want authentic and delicious Belizean food. They have wonderful burritos and salbutes! I think I've decided/come to grips with the fact that salbutes are one of my favorite Belizean foods. But anyway, it was quite lovely despite the fact that it was pretty chilly and rainy. It didn't rain on us though! We literally were still sitting down at our table when all of a sudden, it was like someone punctured the clouds and gallons upon gallons fell. And luckily it stopped a little while before we left, so while the walk was wet, it wasn't raining.

So full and happy!

Thursday was a very long, trying day, the kind of day that makes you wonder if you should get on the plane with Kelley and go back to the States. Of course not every part of it was bad and some of it was quite enjoyable, but it was just not the best day for Ms. Melissa. One of my students picked up on this.

"Miss Melissa" by Istvan. While as a whole, he got my attitude spot on, I laughed really hard when I saw this. I also apparently have a disturbing resemblance to John Lennon.

So Thursday ended, thank God. I feel like we did something exciting since we we were trying to live it up every night Kelley was here. What was it? Wow, I truly have no idea. But I promise it was fun and bonding and all that.

Friday. You know, I forget who I was talking to on Friday, but I told them that as I was walking to school that morning I thought to myself, "You know, there are some days that you have to decide to make good days, and other days just come that way." Friday was the kind of day that already came good. It was chilly, but not miserable and the sky was completely void of clouds, Kelley and I had carefully crafted our outfits for the day in anticipation of pictures that would be taken, and it was Friday to boot. It was very easy to ignore the fact that Kelley was leaving the country in about 24 hours. But man, I didn't do a single work thing that day. I just kept saying, "Hey, my day is about Kelley, cake, and Kender." Because it was! Kender is one of our 3rd Formers and his birthday was Wednesday but he's so shy that nobody knew until the very end of the day and when Elisabeth asked him what he and his family were doing, he said nothing, not even a cake. And as silly as it sounds, cake is a really big deal here, like they do cake for everything. Birthday? Cake. Family coming into town? Cake. You're just stopping by? Oh I happen to have some cake. So to not have cake for a birthday is a bit of a shocker. So us volunteers decided we would celebrate with Kender on Thursday. That's also the day he went home early because he was sick. Friday it is then! Right after school Mass we have our break period and so we got Kender to come into the library to surprise him with his cake! He was very shy, but so grateful. Plus who doesn't love cake?

The volunteers (minus a couple) plus Kender in the middle and Evan on top.

And the rest of the day was spent hanging out with Kelley. It's literally all I did. After school, we had our first futbol game so we went to go cheer them on and watch them win 3-0! They actually have another game in about an hour or so.

It was fun to watch and was a great excuse to hangout with Kelley and students before the weekend began. Though even after the game, there was more hanging out with students because one of the classes had a movie night fundraiser that we were helping with. Kelley and I took our usual post by the gate with the addition of Becky and a group of about 8 students which was exactly what Kelley wanted. The walk home was hard though because that was when she had to say her last batch of goodbyes to students. 

Saturday was the fateful day when Joe, Jack, and I drove Kelley to Belize City and minus the fact that we dropped Kelley off at the airport, it was actually a pretty fun trip. We discovered that the Belize Central Prison has a gift shop and we stopped for gas at the famous Garbutt gas station. Ok fine, it's not famous, but Monica and I saw it when we went to Belmopan for the awards ceremony thing and we seem to be the only people in Belize who think its funny. Anyway, we also stopped for ice cream in Cayo on our back. I don't what Jack's and Joe's motives were, but I was definitely eating my feelings. 

The weekend really wasn't objectively terrible, like if my weekend had happened at any other time, it would've been just a nice little weekend. In fact when students asked me on Monday how my weekend was, my truthful reply was, "Well apart from shipping one of my best friends out of the country, it wasn't too bad." Not trying to be cheeky, it was just true. I did really appreciate how many little consolations I got from the kids though. It made it hard to be sad and ignore the void of Kelley not being there when I was just laughing as students would give me really concerned looks and ask, "Miss, how are you doing?" "Miss, you look lonely." One of them just came up to me and gave me a pat on the shoulder. I loved it! Not the no Kelley part, but just those kids being the precious little weirdos they are, it just made everything better.

So anyway, life's been trucking along here. It is significantly suckier without Kelley here, and even though I got to talk to her Monday afternoon, it almost made it worse. Up until that point, I could just pretend like she was in class or at the boys house or saving the Mount Carmel world like she does. But having to talk to her through a computer? Yeah that was when the reality sunk in a bit. So of course that translates into mega introvert for me, but I promise I'm trying to be a normal functioning person. Which we all know is a challenge for me on any day, so this week is going to be chockful of fun times for me. Ok that time I was being a little cheeky. 

Ok well enough about how much I miss Kelley! The days leading up to Saturday were truly so much fun, so let's just end thinking about those. And here is a song I've been listening to repeatedly:

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.

This is the Future!

1st week of school has come and gone! And it was long yet fleeting, wonderful yet trying, and it feels like we were never gone. 

Ok, what to tell you. A couple of general things:
- we have another volunteer! Her name is Becky and she is great and musical and I knew we would get along just fine because her movie case has Casablanca and 500 Days of Summer in it
- Saturday is going to be one of the hardest days of my time down here because that is when Kelley, my roommate and balance to my insanity, is going home permanently. It's for health reasons which really sucks because a) her health needs help and b) it's not even like I can complain about her leaving. What am I going to say, "No, don't get better?" Please pray for her and for all of us because we are going to miss her terribly
- I'm teaching 2 IT classes now! I've only had each class once so far, so I can't say how it's going since all they did was go to a website to look up definitions. I'm going to take a look at what the semester plans are though because if you ask me, teaching our 1st Formers how to type is much more important than knowing what a BIOS is and what it does. I'm pretty sure my dad might be the only person reading this who knows what that is
- Deacon Juan left for the States to be ordained! So he will come back in a couple weeks as a priest!

I think the weekdays were pretty standard. Oh! Except it really was so cold! It rained every day last week except Friday, and I was shivering all of those rainy days. Horrible. You couldn't get warm or dry and all you want is a comforter but you can't have one because who brings a comforter to Belize knowing that in about 2 seconds it's going to be sweltering? In other news, the past couple days have in fact been warm and pleasant.

Now for the weekend run through since that seems to be the only time I do anything interesting.

Friday:
I love Fridays partially because they're always different. Since I don't have classes then, I just never know what's going to pop up. This past Friday was one of those unusual ones because Becky and I were running a Campus Ministry workshop for a couple of the other Campus Ministers and religion teachers from the country. Sounds like an intense trip for them except that their principals were already coming to our campus for a luncheon with all the Catholic school principals in Belize and the Bishop. No big deal. But our workshop went well and it was really good networking with the other Catholic schools in the country. Poor Becky though, she got a real big dose of TIB when our lunch got pushed an hour and a half (because we were invited to eat with the luncheon) and therefore our workshop got totally and spontaneously rescheduled within itself. Personally, I was completely expecting that to happen so I wasn't stressed so much as I was hungry, but this was a whole new experience for Becky. Belize certainly doesn't break them in gently. So the day was good, oh yeah! I spent the afternoon handing out report cards to parents which actually was kind of exciting because I got to meet them. And a lot of them spoke English! I am ashamed though because I practiced a whole introduction of myself in Spanish and I only used part of it once because I chickened out and didn't want any parents thinking their daughter's homeroom teacher was an idiot. But alas, there are always more report cards. After I was done, Kelley and I hung out with our three 3rd Form hooligans that we love so much. Two of them decided they wanted to see what they looked like with our glasses on. The other just called them nerds.

 Love this one! Daniel in Becky's glasses, Rolman in mine

 That night we had our family Christmas party where we all exchanged Secret Santa gifts. Brynne loved the earrings I got her, and Joey got me food and a book! A bag of Reese's cups, a bag of cheesy spicy chip things for when I can't have sweets, and one of the books from Anne the lay apostle (look it up!). It's a classic Melissa gift. So yeah, that was Friday.

Saturday: 
A little less eventful, I spent Saturday sleeping in, cleaning my room, and doing schoolwork which involved reading a book for Kelley's reading class I'm taking over. It was so wonderful! A quiet house, beautiful weather, and a good book. And I was technically working! That night we all went over to Sunil, our dean's house to hang out with him and his wife but mostly to play Dance Revolution 2014 with their daughter. They are one of my favorite families, so we always love being with them. And that was Saturday!

Sunday:
If you don't know by now how much I love Sunday mornings in our little Benque home, then you must not be reading my blog. I stinkin love them. This was also one of the best days I've had in a long time, just because it was so good! The morning was just like any other as far as breakfast and coffee and girl time goes, but then there's always sometime between breakfast and going to Mass where it's just me and Kelley (and now Becky) downstairs and that's when the crazy for the day starts to come out. This past Sunday, our insanity manifested itself by dancing on our couch-bed yelling about who knows what and barraging Joe with heavy doses of our ridiculous as he walked by our house to go pray.

 Having fun. It's a thing.

Mass was a whole other event because there were primary school kids literally everywhere. People were standing outside the Church for Mass. Apparently they can get extra credit if they go to Mass and have a priest, sister, or their teacher sign their little card. Whatever works, right? 

Sunday afternoon, we went to Melchor one last time with Kelley, and it was the best time yet. Kelley had brought Catchphrase in her bag, so we played a couple rounds at the park with 2 of the students while we waited for the rest of the students to meet us. Then Kelley wanted to get a couple things in the market to bring home, so us 5 white people and now 4 students went across the street to the market where we picked up 2 more students. After souvenir shopping, we obviously had to get ice cream because it's just not a trip to Melchor without getting ice cream cones.

 Edna, Kelley, and Samuel with their ice cream cones

After ice cream, we went back to the park to play some super competitive Catchphrase aka the only kind to play, and you will never find a better, more entertaining way to play that game than with 6 kids who have English as a second language. Some of them couldn't get over the fact that the game wasn't charades and that they were supposed to use their words. And of course, us teachers were excited that we were secretly getting them to work on their English while having fun. Score! We played best 2 out of 3 and my team won of course and then we had about 20-30 minutes before we needed to head back to the border, so we just hung out and took pictures with Ms. Kelley. So now I will post a very small fraction of all of them that were taken. 

 The girls! Patricia, Carmen, myself, Kelley, Becky, and Edna

 Our boys minus Jack who already had to leave: Moises, Rolman, Joe, and Samuel

 Quintessential of their relationship: Kelley with high school Kelley

What can I say, I just love this girl. We're also pretty cute

The downstairs crew

 These two.

I don't think there could be a picture that captures our relationship better than this one

 The whole group for our Melchor Day!

The river, Melchor side, walking back towards the border

Sunday night Kelley and I were invited to one of our student's house to hang out and meet his family. It was our Primo (cousin en ingles. See my Placencia post for the back story). In typical Belizean fashion, his mom fed us the best chicken I've had here (breaded and baked!) and some darn good rice and beans as well as 2 desserts. Whenever you have someone to your house, you feed them an unbelievable amount of food, so we were practically rolling out of there.

We blend right in, yes? Primo with his mom and some of his siblings

Ok I hope you've been sufficiently satiated with the words and pictures from the past week of my life.

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.

Back in Benque

I'm a huge How I Met Your Mother fan, and for those of you who are not, the show is in it's final season which means every episode is geared toward this big, dramatic, eminent end to the series and their lives as we know it. 

Pretty heavy stuff for a Wednesday morning.

But I bring it up because over break as I was scouring CBS.com for this season's consecutive episodes, I was contemplating how there was such a build up to this finale. Barney and Robin finally get married. Ted finally meets the "Mother". Marshall and Lily finally...actually, even though a big change is written in for them, they've really had a pretty lovely and pleasant 9 seasons. I mean, except for that one time in Season 1 when Lily left Marshall shortly before their wedding. But that was 8 Seasons ago, I'm sure they don't even remember that. 

Poor Ted. So sad. So fixated on the future.

For the past 3 weeks, I was on vacation from Belize in the States. Usually it's the other way around, people going from the States to Belize for vacation, but hey when have I ever done things the normal way? It was incredibly wonderful and uneventful (thus contributing to the wonderful nature of it) and so I didn't post any updates about it. I figured no one really wants to hear about the joy of my fluffy comforter, the glory of a hot shower, and of course poker with the fam. Though in actuality, I could write a whole dissertation on the appreciation of hot water in the winter months even in Florida.

Ok some highlights from my super needed, thoroughly enjoyed break:
1. I got to spend a lot of time with my very pregnant sister. Those of you that know Jen know that any time spent with her is always an adventure.
2. I could actually feel my nephew moving around in utero!!!! 
3. There weren't a million mosquitoes attacking me every time I walked into the bathroom. Also no tarantulas anywhere. Pure glory. 
4. Jesus was born! That's always a plus.
5. Two of my friends came to visit from South Dakota and it was so good!
6. Games with my family. That's all that can be said.

As I've said over and over both on here and in person, the break was much needed for the sake of my sanity and the remnants of my healing bug bites. Goodness gracious, did I miss my kids though. I now understand why parents only ever talk about their kids because that's how I was and these are just my students! Why is this all connected to How I Met Your Mother? Because I'm just as bad as the stinkin writers of the show! And I'm pretty sure it's a mindset we all fall into and sometimes for good reason, but we're constantly looking forward to the next big thing. In the couple weeks leading up to December 14, I was so excited to go home. Then I got home and I was so excited to come back and see my kids. And now I'm here. For a while. We're just like small children needing to go from one shiny thing to the next, and it's so easy to get fixated on the "thing" we're building up to that we miss everything that's happening around us. And I think that was my challenge over break. I mean, it doesn't help that my mind is in a thousand different places all the time anyway, and there were multiple occasions that the various areas of my life overlapped in that totally great yet bizarre time continuum kind of way, so of course I'm just a mess all the time. But even before I left the Houston airport, I was missing Benque. Well, not Benque. But the people associated with it. This has always been my problem: anytime I'm anywhere I think of where I'm not. It's pretty annoying. And I think what it comes down to is this: selfishness and a lack of gratitude. We want everything all the time RIGHT NOW! And if we don't open our eyes to the many many good things around us, we're going to be stuck in that attitude. So what did I learn from my first semester in Belize? Many things, but especially to just be. Savor. Open my eyes and take it in. That was my goal last semester and over break and it still is now. Live in today with a sight for the future, but don't let it dominate and paralyze the present. And so I am back in Benque. I'm soaking in the rain, cold, time with students, and typical chaos of Benque because there is joy that is insurmountable in everyday, and for that we can always be grateful.

Speaking of cold! I know many of you are literally freezing and snowed in and all those horrible things, and as a fellow sufferer in the cold, might I offer some inspiration and consolation (I say this tongue in cheek of course. All you in the snow are rolling your eyes at me. However, I have woken up every morning shivering, so my response is to just stick my tongue out at you). In any case, this has been on repeat in my iTunes and in my head since yesterday morning. Get pumped.

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us.

Totus Tuus, Maria.